PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read my self-written song!?

Nice. I like it. Lots of cool, vivid imagery. Sounds interesting. Be sure to ask yourself, "What is this song about?" and make sure that you can answer that question. For any good song, you need to be able to answer that question easily. I'm not sure about the last two lines. "seeing is believing" is a cliche, which you should try to avoid. I also need to hear this song with music to see if the rhythm works,